Thursday, April 28, 2011
If You Only Knew...
After a few moments pass, the thoughts of death are joined by the prospect of horrifying surgeries, chemotherapy, losing your hair, losing your way of life. Your future seems wiped out completely. Every plan you made suddenly disappears.
An hour passes. Maybe you have called a friend or told a family member. Hopefully, you have called a doctor and made an appointment. This is filled with its own terror, because it would mean that what you fear may be confirmed and you will be strapped into a roller coaster ride from hell. You don't know how long the ride will be, if you will survive it, if it will ever end and who you will be when you get off it.
In all this time, to all the people you have reached out to, to the doctor's scheduling nurse, you never once said, " I found a lump on my ta ta." or "My boobie has a lump." No. You said, "I have a lump on my breast." Your hand rests upon it as you say those words. The memories of your adolescence when they first developed rush in. Your child nursing from it makes you weep. A part of you has something inside it that will change your life forever. It isn't pink. It isn't a cute slang word. It isn't sexy. It is terrifying, devastating and incredibly sad.
For those of us who have experienced this, you won't see us prancing around proclaiming we had boobie cancer or our ta ta's are about to be removed. No. We know better. And no matter how much pink gross grain thrown at us, nothing can ever bring us back to the day before we found that lump in our breast. Nothing.