Sunday, October 7, 2007

The Perky Police

One upon a time I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I could run. I could lift. I could take on an Elliptical trainer like nobody's business. I sailed. The real kind of sailing that is a sport where you are pulling lines and maneuvering all over the boat. I was especially proud of my arms. I was strong but they looked slender.

Sure there were days when I would be lazy and I knew it had been awhile since I hit the gym and I would see a girl jogging and feel guilty.

This has all changed.

I am not allowed to use my arms anymore they tell me. If I do it will go on my permanent record or something. I have been told I cannot even mow my own lawn. Imagine! Of course I didn't follow that rule and wound up with a ruptured tissue expander and my punishment was a helpful visit from my dad. The morning of my surgery to replace said ruptured expander, my dad came down to "mow" my lawn. He really didn't want me to have to cut my lawn again. So he cut it short. Really short. By the time we came back home, Tiger Woods was practicing his short game in the back yard. When he cut my lawn on August 27th so I wouldn't have to cut it, I didn't realize he meant I wouldn't have to cut it- ever again.

Next year I will start from scratch. I am hopeful that the rules I am living under will be lifted by then. I cannot be trusted to follow rules. So they better be.

But my forced idleness has made me feel like I am supposed to be sick. I know that being in chemo I am supposed TO BE SICK. But I will be damned if I am going to act like it. However, when they start imposing house arrest on top of it, I get a bit cranky. And I think I should confess something to you all right now. I should get it off my chest for once and for all.

You know those girls who I mentioned jogging by who made me feel guilty I hadn't hit the gym? They aren't disciplined athletes to me anymore. They have become my nemesis. Their perky shiny ponytails bobbing from under their baseball caps and their slender but strong arms keeping pace with their relentless running fills me with disdain. The nerve. Running on the streets like that! Don't they know there are bald people under house arrest with brownfields for front lawns? Have they no shame? What crust!

Yes, I plan on speaking to someone about this. I know. This isn't healthy. But heavens to Betsy! Flash your perfect health someplace else, will ya? There are people trying to finish chemo here... trying to get their eyelashes to grow back... trying to remember what it is like to be perky!

I need someone to share my grief with. So tomorrow at 9 AM I am taking Mr. Fluffy in for a shave. I have had just about enough of him flaunting his fluffy 'do in my face too.

When even your front lawn is bald, you have to do something.


Kathy said...

I remember this time, I hate that this time you are going through this. I remember thinking "how can these people be so happy? I have BC!"

Pain becomes strength slowly, and some days are easier than others. Either way you have a right to your feelings! They are legimate.

Kelly said...

I feel this way too!

When I see those girls, I think, "Enjoy it, missy...this could be you one day. Your life could change in an instant...along with that gorgeous hair and that beautiful body. I was once like you (and not too long ago). You might not be able to envision it, but it's true and I have pictures to prove it!"

I HATE that I can no longer do the things I once could.

I have hired someone to cut my lawn for me. I wish I could hire someone to workout for me as well.

As it is, I can barely walk from one room to another without getting winded, and I used to be able to walk for miles.

Being the 'sick girl' is no fun, but at least some people are nicer to us. I've gotten a warning to slow down by two cops who have pulled me over for speeding (yeah, I have a little problem with obeying rules too), cuz really, who is heartless enough to give a 'sick girl' a ticket?

Hang in there and enjoy finally having a good excuse to not have to work out or mow your lawn (and to eat whatever you want and sleep whenever you want)!


Gina Maisano said...

Kathy, Thank you for the encouragement! It helps so much!!!

Kelly, I knew you would know what I was feeling! I hope you are doing OK my long lost sister!