The first time I had chemo I swore I would never do it again, and that was after each treatment. But, somehow, I managed to pull myself together three weeks later and subject myself to it again. I did this dance for six months. Everyone is aware of the myriad of side effects chemotherapy has on a person, but they always leave out the most important side effect: It Works.
It worked for me. The cancer I have now has nothing to do with the first cancer I had, so what I did five years ago obviously made a difference. I have to keep reminding myself of this fact because I am dreading going through it again. I have to quell the anxiety by remembering that it DOES work.
We have to be nimble with cancer. We have to stay two steps ahead of it at all times. It is a wild dance at times...one that can make you dizzy and weak, hot and sweaty, battered and bruised, but in the end, one that leaves you with a dance card that has no room for the Beast and that means you have won.
If you look up "beguine" in the dictionary it has two meanings, which is why I keep humming the song. One meaning is "wild dance" based on a Latin dance, and the other is from the French with a Catholic origin of "sisterhood". Amazing, isn't it?
So here we are: a sisterhood in a wild dance to beat the Beast at its own game. Did Cole write that song for us? Did he know how we feel when we as sisters have to dance this "wild dance" in order to get our lives back? Did he write it to help us take the plunge into chemo-hell because it is worth all the pain and suffering so we can be our healthy selves again? Did he know that doing chemo puts everything on hold in our lives and he wanted to remind us that those embers would soon ignite again once we were well?
...Till clouds came along to disperse the joys we had tasted,
And now when I hear people curse the chance that was wasted,
I know but too well what they mean;
So let them begin the beguine
Let the love that was once a fire remain an ember;
Let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
When they begin the beguine.
Oh yes, let them begin the beguine, make them play
Till the stars that were there before return above you,
Till you whisper to me once more,
Darling, I love you!
And we suddenly know what heaven we're in,
When they begin the beguine
Whatever you meant Mr. Porter, I thank you. I will begin the beguine again. Because I want to dance among the stars and feel the cool breezes against my skin. I want to wake up strong and clean and free of the Beast and can dance all the dances this beautiful life has in store for me.