Sunday, April 29, 2007

THE LIST

This has come up again and again... and more keep being added to my personal list. Someone requested I start THE LIST here and everyone could make their own additions if they want to.

LIST OF PROCEDURES NEVER TO HAVE AGAIN (if at all possible)

1. Wire Localization.
I don't care how much Lidocaine they use, it is still the equivalent of jamming a ball point pen into your breast. Topping it off with a dixie cup doesn't help either.


2. Core Biopsies of the Areola.
Need I say more? This last time I had 17 samples taken. Camp Gitmo could use the film of that procedure from hell and get confessions in a nano-second.


3. Port Insertion
With apologies to my wonderful, talented, and handsome surgeon... this one made the list. It doesn't hurt everyone. I just got lucky I suppose!


4. "Disco-gram"
No Saturday Night Fever here... in this test they insert electric probes into your spine to find what nerve is causing your back pain. When you are in excruciating pain, then they know which one has to be worked on. The pain lasts only about 6 months.


5. Any "Oscopy"
It doesn't matter which end or what it is for, they are all bad. From the clean outs to the tubing... no mas!!!


6. Thyroid Biopsy
All you need is an orange jumpsuit- lay your head back and let the procedure begin- several "samples" taken several times from your exposed throat

7. Drinkable Plaster
Any procedure where you must chug down two gallons of lemon flavored plaster should be made illegal. Immediately. The radiation place I frequent used to have handy plants in the waiting room...they were very well "watered" by me when the staff was not looking. Unfortunately, however, the plants have since died and have not been replaced. Apparently, I was not the only one involved in this practice.

8. Hold your Breath
As if we can do anything but when the mammogram machine is turning our c cups into a short stack. However, this procedure has saved my life. So, keep it on your list.

9. From George- Turn your Head and Cough
We have been informed that a prostate exam is no day at the beach, so we will add it here and take George's word for it!

10. You Wanna Biopsy What? From Val
Uterine Biopsy. Just seeing the two words together makes me want to add it to the list. Thanks to Val for this warning!!

11. If You Can't Spell It- Don't Have It Done!
Dear Kelly has endured not one but TWO thoracentesis procedures to drain her lung. I feel woozy just typing the words! Kelly! YOU ARE BRAVE! GET DRUGS!

12. Dana's Blue Dye Nightmare
Smurf this! Injecting radioactive blue dye into your nipple before surgery--- while you are still WIDE AWAKE. Are they kidding??? Thanks for the head's up, Dana!

Catch words to avoid:
When a doctor tells you this and and what he really means...

"A little pressure" = Crushing pain
"It SHOULDN'T HURT" = But damn, it always does
"Little pinch" = Lethal burning
"I have never seen that before" = WTH? Now what do I do?
"Most patients have no problem" = ...if they survive it....
"Bee Sting" = My Ass!

OK- your turn!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG! ROFLOL!

Can I add uterine biopsy?
It causes labor pains!

Love the list!

Val21

george e said...

Sorry ladies, I have to speak up!One thing you won't ever have to do is a prostate exam.

Hope you are feeling well in treatments, dear. We send our best.

George E
"Nanaelaine's" husband

Kelly said...

Prostate exam...lol!!! At least we won't have to do those.

Val, I'm with you, I've had several endometrial biopsies...they are awful and so painful.

Also, I have to add thoracentesis. That's where they go in thru your back, in between your ribs and drain fluid out of the lining of your lungs.

I had this done twice in one week. Both times my blood pressure plummeted and I almost passed out. And the pain afterward...not good. If I ever have to have it done again, I'm demanding drugs. Same with the uterine biopsy.

OUCH!

No Surrender said...

Oh my!
Prostates, Uterine Biopsies and that lung thing Kelly??? OWIE!

These will definitely be moved up to the main thread!

Keep em coming- none of us will ever go to the doc again at this rate!

Love,
g

danahollis said...

OK... I don't recall what they called it, but the 4 injections of that radioactive tracer into my nipple for the sentinal node biopsy just about did me in!

That was so painful! Bee sting my A$$! It hurt like the dickens and I sobbed like a baby!

Also, after my hysterectomy, I didn't even want to know what position they had me in to perform that procedure but my lower back felt like someone took a sledgehammer to it!

Amazingly enough... I'm not scarred for life. I'd do it all again if I had to!

NS... hope you are feeling good! You'll get through this! ;)

Hugs,
Dana

No Surrender said...

ooooh Dana! THAT ONE IS RIGHT UP THERE!!!

Thanks for adding it!!

And thanks too for all your support my junie sister!
Love,
g

Jenster said...

DANG! I have nothing to add. I've had the uterine biopsy and that sucked.

But this post made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!

twink said...

Oh gawd...that's so funny. I would say ditto to many based on personal experience. The others have been duly noted for future reference. Thanks, I needed the laugh today.

No Surrender said...

Hi Jenster and Twink!
It is amazing how many things we go through isn't it???
Maybe tests and procedures will improve.... MAYBE????

Love,g